Mafia Helpline
by Alice39
Summary: Majority of the people in the Mafia are either insane or on crack. I am Alice and it's part of my job to help these nutjobs. Lovely.
1. Prologue

**Mafia Helpline**

* * *

**Prologue**

* * *

I'm an assassin.

A person who kills. Merciless. Ruthless. Devil.

Atleast that was I used to be… but I got scouted by Vongola Nono, and for some reason or another, it's really hard to say no to that old man.

I'm not sure if it's the fact that I can be killed by the mercy of his guardians if I declined when he offered me a position or if it's the warm and familiar feel of his eyes.

My life gradually fell apart because of him. I'm not really sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. But I really appreciate the old man even if he's too nice and even cunning at times…

That's enough for my mediocre introduction.

* * *

BRIIING

My phone rang and buzzed like a squirrel on crack.

Which means that the caller will either be insane or crack. Lovely.

For some reason my phone rings like crazy when insane people calls. I don't even have any idea how that happens.

I let a few minutes pass by before I hesitantly picked the phone up and I asked, "Who's this?"

There was a kind chuckle in the other line and-oh shit. This isn't the old man, is it?

"Hello, Alice-chan." Ughh… so it was Vongola Nono.

Crap, I should have just missed the call. Not that I have anything against the old man but… what does he need this time? I twitched as I asked him, "Why did you call, Vongola Nono? Is there anything you need this time?"

"I see that you're excited to hear from me." He remarked with another chuckle.

"I can detect the blatant sarcasm in your voice." I deadpanned before I added, "But really, what do you need?"

There was silence from his line and he coughed as he answered my question with a rhetorical question, "Can you come and visit my mansion?"

I groaned as I asked, "Am I allowed to decline?"

"You are not." He said with a good-natured laugh and I twitched. Figures.

"Oh fine." I groaned once more and I gritted my teeth as I told him, "I'll arrive in a while."

"Thank you Alice." He said with obvious gratefulness in his voice.

He better be thankful. I snoted before I said, "Sure whatever bye, I'm hanging up."

And I cut off the line before he can even add another thing to say. I locked my room and went to the shower to take a bath that was finished in record time.

Wearing black sweatpants and a red pull-over that I grabbed from my wardrobe, I made my way to the Vongola mansion.

* * *

"Goodmorning." I greeted as soon as I arrived in the office of Vongola Nono.

He has this kind and shiny aura about him, ugh, as he smiled and greeted back, "Goodmorning, Alice-chan."

I nod and without any seconds to spare, I made myself comfortable in one of the chairs. Vongola Nono's office has one of the most comfortable furniture in the history of comfortable furniture. I don't even know if that makes sense but it's really like that.

I looked at him with a blank expression before I pointed out, "Please stop calling me Alice-chan. We're in Italy, not Japan."

"Haha," The old man had the nerve to laugh but he reasoned out, "But you do like Japan and it's culture, right?"

"Maybe." I gave a careless shrug before I went to the point and asked, "Why did you call?"

I knew that I was being a bit impolite and rushing him but this old man won't understand if you don't get to the point. He'll just ramble on and on about so many things that aren't even in the previous conversation.

I couldn't care less about those rambles. The last time we conversed, I completely lost track of what he was talking about, it started about pasta and became something about, to quote, 'Tsunayoshi-kun is growing up. I am so proud.'

Like I care, right? Sometimes, I think I understand why Xanxus gets angry at Vongola Nono, the old mas was too nice for his good and he talks way too much as well.

"Well, Alice-chan," he looked at me and I twitched. He went and stared at me with those gentle eyes before he said, "I have a favor to ask for you."

Favor. Again. Of course I'll be happy to help-as if.

I snorted ungracefully before I pointed out, "Another favor?"

"Yes." The old man had the nerve to smile at me even though he's asking another for favor. He gave me another kind smile as he said, "This one will be easy."

As if.

The last time he said that, I had to babysit a bunch of psychotic and murderous assassins. I leveled a glare as I said, "You said the same thing when you asked me to let Varia work for my café."

He had the nerve to let out a laugh as he asked me, "Was it not fun, Alice?"

"Yeah, it was fun, of course." I sarcastically stated with a snort. I gave him a look before I said, "Those guys were trying to kill my investment. Sure they were good at attracting customers, but that's that."

I glared as I ranted, "The sanest one among them is a sarcastic, little brat. The greedy baby asks for sky-high salary. The maniacal prince isn't allowed in the kitchen because he cut himself one time and all hell went loose. The shark lets out shouts that can even cause tremors. Luss is fine, but she or he or whatever drags me to girly malls every. Single. Time. The old man who looks like a deranged octopus isn't even helping because he scares my costumers."

"Handling them is even more dangerous than the jobs that I had before." I finished with a half-hearted whine.

He offered an encouraging smile as he said, "This new task won't put you in danger."

As if. Being part of the Mafia alone is dangerous enough.

He stared at me and I stared back. We had a lovely staring contest for a while. I sighed as I gave up and asked, "What is it this time?"

"I'm going to let you handle a helpline." He declared with a serious tone.

I raised my brow as I repeated, "Helpline?"

"Yes." He nodded as he specified, "A mafia helpline."

Wait. What?!

"Aren't those the kind of stuff where you listen to people rant about their problems and they expect you to help them or something along those lines?" I showed my surprise expression as I asked him.

When he replied with a mute nod, I gaped and within seconds protested, "What the actual hell?! That's like an anonymous babysitting!"

He gave a chuckle as he said, "You'll do fine."

"Hey," I twitched as I asked, "Are you telling me that I'm an expert in babysitting?"

I may have stopped my assassinations for a while but there is no way that I could have gone that soft.

"It's not babysitting at all," Vongola Nono reasoned out as he tries to calm me down, "It's essential for someone with high logical and physical capabilities to help another who has a problem."

I am so not buying that old man wisdom crap that he just uttered.

"You're the only one that can fare well in this." He told me with a slightly pleading tone in his voice.

I crossed my arms and pouted, "Geez, ask the others. I'm not interested."

"I'll give you two day offs per month in the café."

This old man seriously plays dirty. He knows as much as I do that I would be willing to do anything just to get a day off from the café.

And two days per month is equal to twenty-four days per year, roughly three weeks, and that's not even adding the holidays and the sick leaves.

"Cheater." I muttered under my breath. He probably heard it because he gave a hearty laugh.

I looked at him and said, "What do I do?"

* * *

And that was how I was roped in another mess with the Vongola. Now I was expected to 'help' the poor and lost Mafiosi by listening to them rant about their problems.

Whatever.

I guess this might be good blackmail material.

Good thinking.

Then I reread the agreement form which I signed and-shit.

"As the handler of the Mafia Helpline, you will be required to help the caller at all costs. There will be times that members of the Mafia community will ask you to handle their problems personally. You are expected to pay a visit if such an event occurs."

Whaaaaat-nooo! Oh my Vindice, I'll need to visit?

No way. No freaking way.

Ugghhh. That old man is such a cheater.

And this is how I, Alice, became a saint-kidding.

But really, this is the start of my journey to help around people which technically makes me a saint.

So yes, this is how I, Alice, learn that there are worst things in life than handling a café with cracked assassins as workers.

* * *

A/N: So a new story! Yaay! I'll produce cracks later on :D

Please read, review and subscribe. Thanks!

PS: What kind of request from the cast do you want to see in the next chapter? :)))


	2. Request 1: Sadists, Contracts, and Alice

**Mafia Helpline**

* * *

**Request 1: Sadists, Contracts, and Alice in Wonderland**

* * *

My name is Alice and I'm lost in Wonderland.

That was a lame joke.

But the name fits… Alice… In… Wonderland…

Just like how Cinderella's shoe fits.

Okay that was lame. Fairytale jokes are fairy lame.

Oh my Giotto… I'll just stop and go on while I'm still partly sane.

So…

My name is Alice and I'm currently lost in thought as I lounged in my bedroom which is just another room in the same building where my café is placed at.

It's a pretty plain room where you see an abnormally large wardrobe and some weapons such as swords and guns decorated in the walls.

See? It was fairly normal for a teenage girl's room.

Being a manager of the café is nice. For one, you can actually sleep while everyone else is working and the other one is that you can also scare and torture your workers without any expense at your health.

Mwahahaha!

Okay… enough about me, my café and my totally villainous 'Mwahahaha' laugh.

* * *

Brriiing!

I looked at the newest phone that I have just received from Vongola Nono. It's the one that was given to me because of the Mafia Helpline stuffs.

…

And it seems that I have a caller.

…Eh? What?!

I looked at the phone and I can feel that the phone is emitting dark aura.

…Scary. And weird.

I gulped before I hesitantly picked up the phone and used my sweetest voice to greet the caller, "Welcome to Mafia Helpline!"

There was an amused chuckle from the other line and it remarked, "You seem to be having fun, eh, Alice?"

…The voice sounds so familiar…

Oh crap. No. Daaamn.

Please, Sepira, Giotto, whoever deity or god. Noooooo.

But I must just have been mistaken. Probably. I inhaled before I asked, "Can I get your name, please?"

The man snorted before he answered, "It's the world's greatest hitman."

Oh Sepira. I'm screwed. I called out, "Reborn…?"

Just my luck. The only person that I was actually scared of was my very first caller.

I am just so damn lucky.

"Chaos." He greeted me with his manly man voice that had made a lot of old hags fall all over him.

There was silence between our lines and Reborn cleared his throat as he told me, "I'm here to ask you to do something."

What the actual Vendicare?! Reborn never asks for anything. Ever. I sighed before I told him, "I am so sorry but I have to respectfully decline."

"You have no right to decline," he retorted almost immediately. Before I can even answer in shock, he added, "This is a helpline. You are inclined to listen and do my _favor._"

He even emphasized on the word favor. Oh my Sepira, I am so screwed.

"So," he casually stated without even waiting for my reply, "Head to Namimori immediately."

Namimori…? That's in freaking Japan! I immediately protested, "That's so far! Why do I have to go there?"

"Becaused I asked you to." He answered without missing a beat. He said it so simply like it's a logical fact.

Which might actually a fact since he was the one who said it, but still…!

"B-but…!" My confidence spluttered, just like it always does when I converse with him. I tried to give out the most logical reason I can muster, "I have a job here."

He paused for a while before he casually asked, "So?"

I can just picture the eyebrow raise and the smirk in his face.

I kept quiet for a while before I said, "I-I'll call Vongola Nono's line and ask about his opinion on this one."

"Very well." He said and I can just imagine the smirk in his face when he added, "Take your time."

Can I take enough time to ehem 'forget' about his favor?

"Don't even think of failing to return the call."

Daaaaamn. He shot it up even before I manage to suggest it.

But I can't say no because I am completely terrified of that sadistic man and I fear for my life. I sighed as I said, "I understand. I'll return back to the call in a while."

"That's good." he complimented just as I was cutting our call and moving on to Vongola Nono's line.

* * *

As soon as the call was answered, Vongola Nono warmly greeted, "Goodmorning, Alice-chan."

I twitched and retorted as I pointed out, "There's nothing good in the morning."

Which in my case was exceptionally true. Mornings are a pain in the skull, after all. I usually wake up to the sound of fights because of broken plates or to the smell of burning food from the kitchen. The damage varies.

Lunch is significantly better. Everyone and everything is quiet because everyone's working… or slacking off, which is still fun because I manage to punish them.

"I see you're energetic." He commented with a kind chuckle, "That's good."

"No!" I dramatically whined as I said, "Nothing's going well today!"

Oh Sepira… I sound so pathetic. I should really stop whining… but it's Reborn for the trinisette's sake! That person is like the devil's incarnate!

He coughed with concern as he asked me, "Is something troubling you?"

"No, I'm really fine." I sarcastically stated. I sighed before I ranted, "The whole Helpline is such a trouble and what's worse is that I actually have a demon spawn as my first caller!"

"I see." He said in understanding even though it was clear that he didn't actually understand. He added a question "You're first caller is Reborn?"

"Yeah." I nodded my head even though it was useless because he won't even see it anyway. I paused before I protested, "He's asking me to help with such a difficult and troublesome favor!"

"Troublesome favor?" He repeated with curiosity in his voice.

For someone who's so famous for his wise judgment and all that, he seemed so off.

"He's asking me to go to Japan." I said with great irritation. There was silence which I broke when I asked, "It's not possible… right?"

There was only uneasy silence and shuffling papers in reply.

I can feel the bad news.

"It is possible." He gave out the bad news after what seemed to be an eternity of waiting.

"No." I immediately disagreed before I can even take it in, "You're joking."

"Alice-chan." Vongola Nono called out my name in one of his most patient voices. He gave a small sigh as he explained, "This was part of the contract."

No. no. no.

This was an abuse against teenagers! This was abuse against women! This was abuse against an assassin! This was abuse against the Mafia!

Vongola Nono must have noticed my hysterical condition because he asked, "Are you alright?"

"I'm not." I immediately replied with an irritated twitched. I pursed my lips as I asked, "Why is it allowed again?"

"Because it's part of the contract." He repeated as he informed me of the dreadful fact.

"But you cheated me on this one." I muttered under my breath. Without waiting for any seconds to spare, I stated, "Japan is too far."

"It would be easy to travel there." He said in that kind of elderly voice. He even reassured me, "Your bills and expenses will be paid by the Family, as stated in the contract."

Which of course, did not reassure me at all.

I wonder what kind of excuse I can make…

Nada. Non. None.

I sighed as I began to accept and face the facts. I tried to at the very least pry some information as I asked, "What is the maximum number of days to finish a caller's request?"

"It can be as fast as a few minutes if you managed to finish it immediately," I heard some papers rustling in the other line, "but it can take a week at most depending on the request."

A week. A whole freaking week. I know better than to jinx myself but I have a very bad feeling that I would stay at Namimori for a week.

After all, Reborn is a sadistic little brat and now that he was free from the curse, he became even more sadistic.

But if a request takes a week to complete, then how about the requests of the other callers?

I am so not going to multi-task at all cost. That's too much work and I'm already giving an arm and leg just to handle and keep up with the line.

So I decided to confirm the facts and hope for the best, "What about the other callers"

"Don't worry about them." Vongola Nono let out a warm chuckle as he explained, "Their requests will be sent to the voice mail and will be saved for the time being."

Finally…! A ray of light in this hopeless situation!

I digested my shock and pleasure as I asked, "Is that true?"

"It is." He proclaimed the good news in those two words. There was silence and he added, "So that you can completely focus on a request."

So there was a reason for that.

Whatever, I'll atleast grab any good thing that I face. I guess.

"I think that's all." I stated with a weary tone.

I need to go back to my conversation with the sadistic devil or who knows what might happen to me?

There was a pause in his line before another round of papers rustled and Vongola Nono reminded me, "Have fun."

I snorted and I ended the call but not before I respectfully bid him farewell.

After all, the old man may be irritating and insane but there's no doubt that he's older than me and obviously had a higher position.

* * *

An amused chuckle greeted me as I returned to the other line and Reborn commented, "You took our time."

I replied back with a monotonous tone, "Yeah."

"Pack your bags already and head to the airport. I expect you to arrive in Namimori today." He barked his orders without even missing a beat.

Sadist. I bet he's having so much fun.

"Right now…?" I asked him as I confirmed some things.

"Immediately." He said and with a click of his gun, that was the final decision.

I groaned but I complied nonetheless, "Fine."

He cut off the call. The demon.

* * *

I immediately headed to the dresser. If I would take a week there then should I prepare a week's worth of clothes?

Maybe four days worth of clothes will be enough. I'll just buy new ones once I reached Japan.

I took another long look at my wardrobe. I may not be girly-girly but I do take care of my appearance.

To some extent.

I chose two dresses which were fairly comfortable and placed it in my luggage. I also added two sweatshirts of different colors and two shorts to my luggage.

I took a pair of boots, comfortable flats and sets of pajamas and placed them in my luggage as well.

I went to the bathroom and took all the toiletries that were entitled 'travel' and threw them in my luggage.

A bag of coffee caught my eye and I hesitantly placed it in my luggage as well.

I took a gun from the ones in my room and placed it in a secret trunk in the luggage.

Now then, I'm all set!

* * *

The plane that I rode must have a drunken pilot because I swear that thing was faster than a cheetah on land, a shark on the seas or a Pegasus on air.

Which are all very fast animals.

It's illegal to try and keep up with their speed.

Fortunately, I was allowed to bring my baby Porsche and I rode it on the way to the Sawada residence. That is, if the GPS that Reborn sent me wasn't fake.

* * *

I stopped by the home in the GPS and noticed that there were a few male figures in the front.

I went out of my precious car and I heard the oh so familiar voice greet me, "Chaos, Alice."

"Goodevening, Reborn." I bowed politely and after that I let my eyes fall on the three other boys in the garden.

There was a boy who looked like a delinquent with silver hair and a pair of green eyes which were glaring murderously at me.

Geez. I've already experienced a lot of that before.

The other boy looked fairly normal but there was something about the wide grin in his face that looks strained.

Either that or I'm just over-thinking things.

"W-who is that, Reborn?!" The third one who is by far the smallest in the group shouted indignantly at Reborn.

He looks familiar. I swear I've seen that brunette hair somewhere…

"Dame-Tsuna," Reborn's grin brought shivers to my spine and as he turned to me, he unceremoniously appointed, "She'll temporarily be your assistant tutor."

Okay….

Wait-whaaaat?

"WHAT?!"

I swear that I'm having the same thoughts as the brunette right now.

And that is how I, Alice, started my one week vacation in the peaceful town in Namimori.

And I painfully learned that there is one thing worse than dealing with psychotic and insane assassins as workers for your café.

It was dealing with the sadistic hitman, Reborn.

* * *

A/N: So there isn't too much crack... yet.

But there will be crack in the next, next chapter. Because the next chapter is introduction and stuffs.

Sooo... we'll be staying in Namimori for a while. What kind of scenes do you want to happen between the characters in Namimori and their requests? :))

Stay tuned :D


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